Sunday, November 20, 2005
Friday, November 11, 2005
She is a thumbsucker!
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
I just got back from my 19 week ultrasound and they think my he is a SHE!!!!! Which is so funny because all along I wanted a girl, and convinced myself (said I *knew!*) it was a boy. At my last ultrasound (16 weeks) he was convinced it was a boy and a stacked one at that - the wee wee looked huge! Then a the very end of the ultrasound - he says - oh wait! That could be the umbilical cord I was seeing, but I still think it's a boy.
So I left, posted it's a boy, told all my family, REGISTERED for all boy stuff, and today there was NO wee wee in sight. She told me that she could not give me a 100% definitive answer, but what she saw was the three lines of labia and no wee wee. She did say the cord was in a place that could have caused some misunderstandings.
I can't believe this. I have no clue what it is. I am leaning towards girl though since this ultrasound was at 19 weeks and she was convinced there was no penis! Can you guys believe this????
I know there is another person here in my shoes but this is killing me. What do you guys think? If you had to take a guess - should I believe this 2nd OB? My next appt is with someone else on the 28th. I guess they will be the one to call it...maybe!
Confused mommy to be!
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Saturday, September 17, 2005
I can't blink...
Speaking of losing, we went bowling last night for Kimmy's 24th birthday and my hubby came in dead last. Not like I am anyone who should be bragging. I defeated him by just 1 point! Man, I have never bowled so bad in my life. But I have chopped up the losing streak to one thing and one thing only...sobriety! I don't think I have bowled sober since I was like 12 years old. I usually get quite a few strikes when I am tipsy. Oooh, the good old days! Some good friends, Paul and Jalila brought me back some Absynth from Amsterdam about a month ago before they knew about the little bean. I can't wait to try it. Maybe they will let me have some of that along with the demoral in the delivery room. Oh, I am just kidding around with all of you baby activists! I will have to wait until I am done nursing. You know the funny thing is , even the thought of consuming liquor right now turns my stomach - but I sure missed it last night when my score suffered. L8R!
Not just a little bean anymore...
As you can see by this photo, our little bean has grown quite a bit. This was taken at 10 weeks. The nausea is getting a bit better now. I do feel sick when I need to eat and I always need to eat. I get so hungry at like 4 in the morning that I wake up my sweet hubby and place my order for breakfast. Then when he gets up at six to get ready for work, he brings me breakfast in bed. I know I got it made! All of my jeans are getting tight. :( But the good news is I have only gained 2 lbs and I have been eating whatever I crave.
Monday, August 22, 2005
So, I had to post again today because I know that if I didn't, I may not for a while. I sware I am going to get better at updating this. Especially since now I have a laptop and can do it away from home. My life, as well as this blog is going to take a change in pace for the next 9 months (at least)!
On Aug 2nd, 2005, (my husband's birthday) we found out we are expecting a baby. It was the best present I could have given him! (besides the new high tech light for his bike so that he wont run into anymore shopping carts head on at night and almost kill himself! - long story for another time) The news was definitely a surprise and I did not know quite what to think or what my hubby would think so the whole situation was a bit scary. We watched the test develop together and he got this ear to ear smile so I just knew everything would be okay. I mean no woman wants to hear the dreaded words, "Well, what are you going to do about it?" Not like my baby would ever say such a thing, but I am glad things went so well.
With everything we hae been through lately, this little life is such a beautiful thing to focus on. I really feel blessed. SO the pregnancy thing IS a bit stressful. My first ultrasound showed that I was 5 weeks 5days or so and we saw the gestational sac, yolk, and fetal pole but no heartbeat. That was awful. My doctor was sounding like the Peanut's teachers "wa wa wa" when he explained how early it was still, 1 out of 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage, and we may be able to see the heartbeat next week. I think all I heard was the word miscarriage because I was a complete stressball for the longest five days of my life.
I went back for the 2nd ultrasound 5 days later (last Tuesday) and the baby measured just over six weeks with a strong and visible heartbeat. It was SO exciting! The little flickering on the monitor was the most amazing thing I have ever seen on screen! Remember, I was a film major. And I KNOW good celluloid. I go back for the next showing in three weeks (Sept. 6)
So here are the FAQ: Were we planning this? No. Are we happy? Yes. Are we ready for a baby? Hell no, but we will be the best parents ever! Morning sickness? Not really. Just sick to my tummy when I wait too long to eat. New strange cravings? Mushrooms. (I used to hate them) Aversions? OJ - I can't even be near the stuff. Other symptoms? My big boobs are getting bigger and they HURT! Emotional? I turn into the exorcist if awakened and the news makes me cry. My poor husband!
Here are some pictures of our little bean so far. I just know it's a boy. My trusted psychic told me so and I have no scientific proof. Just a gut feeling. Feel free to place your bets.
It's been a while!
They think I am basically "cured" of the melanoma, although the doctors cannot tell me that 100% for sure, because melanoma is one of the most aggressive and mysterious cancers that can come back in other places. Although, with the stage I was diagnosed with "stage 1," that is considered rare.
There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about this experience and hope that it doesn't return. But I am doing my best to not think about these things, or at least not to obsess about it because my doctors have warned me about the threat of stress and told me I will end up creating problems that are not there. After all, more people die of stress than melanoma each year. That is something to remember! From now on, I will not be writing about the melanoma thing anymore in efforts to move forward. However, if you are a melanoma survivor or have been recently diagnosed with melanoma, and wish to talk, please feel free to email me. I hope my story has been able to shed some light on the issue. Now on to more fun topics!
Friday, June 10, 2005
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
Get Your Tissue Box Handy: A Curve Ball I Never Expected...
I became concerned over time due to all of the cancer that runs in my family. My mother died of cancer a few of years ago (a rare stomach cancer) and she was also blind at the age of three due to another type of cancer caller retino blastoma. (My mother is my hero, and one day I would love to make a movie about her. She raised me all on her own, completely blind. She worked hard, took care of those she loved and definitely touched many loves. She was a brilliant woman and I could literally write a book. - One day I just might.) My grandmother is ill with breast cancer that has spread to her lungs, brain, etc. And my grandfather is ill with kidney cancer that has spread to his lungs and heart. So you can understand my suspicion about this mole. I am actually quite the hypochondriac and think I have cancer, brain tumors, the whole nine quite often.
I went to the doctor about six months ago to get a referral to a dermatologist to get the mole checked out. I never went. I don’t know if it was the fact that I was so busy, or I just did not want to think about it or face what it may turn out to be. This was a mistake. I ended up recently calling my doctor to get the referral again (I have an HMO and referrals and waiting are congruent to everything HMO’s stand for). I went to the dermatologist a few weeks ago and I had the fucker biopsied. I waited and waited and I did not hear back so I figured no news was good news as I was advised by the doctor. I had finally started to feel better and forget about the whole ordeal when I got the call. I was in the middle of an ADR session (voiceover corrective recording session) for Pervert, my recent film and BAM! My stomach dropped to my knees and I HAD CANCER!
I had to do an hour or so more of voice recording so I literally had to put it out of my mind (which was impossible) in order to get through the session. I did not quite understand my diagnosis until I got home and was able to call the doctors office back and ask a few questions. “So, I have skin cancer?” “How bad is it?” “What kind of skin cancer is it?” “AM I GOING TO DIE?” I got some interesting responses which included but are not limited to… “Yes, you have cancer. It is the absolute worse kind of cancer usually caused my sun damage. The doctor thinks we caught it early. You probably wont die.” Holy Shit! Probably? SO there is a chance I will die from this fucking cancerous mole? And I am to blame for all of those years of tanning and vanity?
I immediately began researching and googling everything I could find on melanoma, survival rates, treatments etc. This scared me to death and was a HUGE mistake! I found out that if the cancer has spread to my lymph nodes the survival rate drops to less than 35 percent for five years. There is literally a slim to none chance that any treatments will work because it does not respond to chemo or radiation and my only hope would be interferon, which is less than unlikely. Every time I went online I would begin balling again and assuming the worst. To sum it all up which is hard to do, my melanoma is approximately 0.53 millimeters deep which is a Clarks Level II/III. What does that mean? Well, that it is probably a stage one and I may be able to recover. The doctors have told me this is simply a preliminary diagnosis and they wont know exactly how big the tumor is until they study the tissue/fat/skin etc. around where the mole was, after surgery.
Since I found out I have gone in for more biopsies (had a few other large moles removed for analysis), went to see and oncologist, met with the surgeon and I am currently awaiting the results of the other biopsies. They have to remove about the size of a small apple from my stomach where the cancer was found. As an actress, I am not stoked about the way it might look and affect my confidence but as a human, I just want the cancer gone and will do anything to be able to live! Things that seemed so important to me before (my looks, what others think, being tan, thin, pretty, traffic, pimples, criticism, not getting roles I want, etc.) just fell through the cracks and I don’t have time for any of that irrelevance in my life any longer. My husband was complaining about the traffic when we were on the way to the beach (to take my mind away from the cancer) and I said “Honey, I only wish I will be around to sit in 20 more years of LA traffic.” That pretty much sums up how I am feeling everything the past few weeks.
My husband has been my rock. So supportive and strong. I could not do this without him and even with the cancer I feel like the luckiest woman alive. My family and friends have all come through and shown their support and I have received more blessings, prayers and wishes than I probably deserve. I have reached out to those I have not spoken to in a while and re-connected with so many people I lost touch with. In a way this ordeal has brought a lot of positivity to my life and I am so thankful for those around me. Speaking of positivity, that is what I am working on. I am trying to act, speak, and most importantly THINK positive because I think that is the only way I am going to make it through and come out on top.
I am waiting for the surgeon to call me back with my surgery date. I am waiting for my biopsy results. I am waiting for better news. Waiting is the worst and most difficult part. I am lucky to have the part time gigs that I do (nannying and bookkeeping/admin work) for my employers are understanding, patient, supportive and are exactly what I need during this time. I will continue working at my jobs. My full time job search has permanently ceased and I am going to focus on reaching my dreams.
I want to thank everyone around me once again for all the thoughts, prayers, flowers and blessings. There is definitely something to be said for collective energy and healing. I will be adding updates as often as possible about my appointments, test results, surgery and everything melanoma. I have a feeling my blog has taken a slightly new and more serious direction for a while, but I am hoping that everything will return to normal someday soon and I can get back to the silliness and fun of wasting time. I have a feeling though that I may be taking my time a lot more seriously and if I make it through I am going to begin doing the things I want to do and need to do to be truly happy. I am going to pursue my goals more actively and love more deeply than ever. Forget what I just said about starting when this is over. I am going to start now. There is no time like the present and there is no promise of tomorrow. All my love! - Chikkity
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
"Come back! Don't forget to bring your death certificate!" This little lady is located at the end of the haunted mansion ride at Disneyland. Now this is the happiest place on earth...with brownies!
Sunday, May 15, 2005
Friday, May 06, 2005
I'm just a girl and it rawks!
Then the manager of Enterprise picked me up from the body shop and took me to get a rental. He let me pick any car off of the lot and then lowered the daily rate to what my insurance would cover. (which isn't much) I picked a Sebring. It drives really nice. Then the manager called Ford and got me a full refund for a tail light I purchased a couple of days before since the body shop guy said he could get me one for free. That saved me another 80 bucks! YAY!
Sorry for bragging, but it's just so unusual for me to be so positive and for things to go so smoothly. I thought this whole car thing would be a hassle. So my plans for this week are: 1) Take the rental on as many long trips as time allows (since the mileage is unlimited and I don't want to put the wear on my own vehicle) 2) Go on my three job interviews (there is one I really want to get! The interview is on Tuesday, but I refuse to talk about it just yet) and 3) Complete my ADR sessions for Pervert.
Lastly, I will leave you with some words of wisdom: Temptation Kills (or at least brakes the bank) if you have no will power like me.
1) Don't go to the grocery store if you are stoned or starving! (Grocery shopping is always trippy in a bad way if you are high)
2) Don't go to a strip bar when you are feeling horny!
3) Never show your desperation or excitement at a dealership! Be cool!
PS. Send some good vibes to my grandparents for good health! They are really going through a lot right now and I believe in the power of collective caring! Thanks for your time and energy in advance!
Monday, May 02, 2005
Big Brother wants you and your cell phone number!
Do yourself a favor and act now!
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Yep, I am still alive.
I have come to the decision that I may need to get a real job too. I have this BA in film studies so I might as well put it to some good use...making a shit load of money doing something in the industry. (yah right! Starting pay at any company is peanuts) I have been wearing myself out working 3 part time gigs and still struggling to get by. Okay, I will just quit the pet sitting thing. Then, I should be good. Plus I want one of these!
Don't worry folks; I have not given up on my acting career. My recent film PERVERT! is moving forward and has signed with a MAJOR producer rep who truly believes in the film. Click HERE to see the trailer. I finally got a chance to view the almost finished product myself and it was funny as hell! The whole theater laughed their asses off. Soon I will be back in the studio recording the final ADR and then the sound should be locked. The publicity campaign is set to begin in the very near future. So look for my boobs on a billboard near you. :) Although, I am not sure they will fit alongside Mary Carey's tiggolbitties.
Speaking of publicity, I am currently seeking a manager, a publicist and possibly even a new agent. So this search, along with working my three part time gigs, and my desire to find one stable part time job (impossible) within the entertainment industry (while working on my dreams) is going to keep me busy. Now if that wasn’t a run on sentence, I don’t know what is. But it sums up where I am in a nutshell.
Now if your clicking thirst has not yet been quenched and you want to hear a really good song by an amazing upcoming artist then click HERE!
Sunday, March 06, 2005
Saturday, February 26, 2005
Pizza and Bills don't mix
Thursday, February 24, 2005
contra DICK shuns SUCK
Monday, February 21, 2005
Sunday, February 20, 2005
Warning: Bitching ahead!
Friday, February 11, 2005
You know the story… “if I didn’t mysteriously wake up and get out of my bed at 7:55am before my alarm went off 8:00am I would have been crushed by my dresser that toppled onto my bed at 7:59am when the earthquake hit,” “if I hadn’t decided for some odd reason that I felt like taking an alternate route home I would have been involved in that 15 car pile up,” or “if I left the office at the usual time missed that important phone call and the radio station would have given the concert tickets to someone else.” What I am referring to here is that last scenario; the positive that I could have missed out on if my day worked out any differently.
I would never be caught dead waiting around in a mechanics office while my car is being repaired. It’s simply not my style to wait for anything. I, like most people am always in a rush. Because the mechanic could not fix my brakes on Saturday, because the shop was 50 miles away and I had nobody to take me, I had to sit in the waiting room for FOUR hours while my brakes got fixed. I brought my portable dvd player, my taxes, some reading material, my lunch and my phone but I did not get to any of it.
The unlikely lady at the counter, Mary (the mechanics wife and shop co-owner) changed my life. The four hours seemed like 20 minutes and I am so thankful that things did not work out like I had wanted because if I was not forced to slow the fuck down for a minute (or 4 hours) I would have missed it! And I am talking more than concert tickets folks! As a college grad and overall intelligent being, I am constantly analyzing and questioning everything and anything. I usually enjoy having an inquisitive mind, but today, for quite possibly the first time ever, I got it. I get it! And everything is going to be just fine.
Side note: Worrying about N. Korea is not going to change things. It is out of my hands so I am just going to relax and enjoy my days here.
Friday, February 04, 2005
Today is my birthday!
Happy Birthday to me!
So it's my birthday again. Everything changes when you are an adult. The world does not slow down and acknowledge your birthday after the age of 18. I remember the good ole days of birthday parties, decorations, tons of presents, cake with your favorite cartoon characters and another reason to spend a whole day being selfish. Me! Me! Me! I have no classes to go to all dressed to impress, ready to receive my happy birthday balloons and enjoy all the fuss made by my teachers and classmates. Birthdays are a strange phenomenon anyway. As you get older they just become an annual reminder that you aren't getting any younger. When you/re young you always look forward to birthdays and what each year will bring…driving when you are 16, college when you’re 18 and drinking when you’re 21 (or in my case 17 when I got my first fake ID). But after all of that good stuff, what is there to look forward to? Today I woke up and I did not feel any different than I felt yesterday. Just slightly more depressed about the velocity of a lifespan. The days seem short and the nights seem even shorter. Don’t get me wrong, I feel very lucky to have this life and I know it could be much worse. All of this energy I spent bitching about my birthday could be much better invested if I attempt to live each of my days to the fullest, right? But my OCD will take over and I will always revert back to the question that plagues me each night as I stare up at my ceiling, just before my departure into a timeless journey throughout dreamland, “How many days do I have left?”
Thursday, February 03, 2005
So I am a mod...
Says this quiz (What kind of sixties person are you?) I took online earlier. It is interesting because of all the decades I could relate to most, I consider the 1960's at the very top of the list. Although, I have to say, I saw myself more as a flower child than a mod. I guess that probably has to do with my love for The Doors and pot. But I sure have love for the Beatles, so the results may be accurate. Whenever I watch documentary footage of the sixties or listen to music from that era I almost feel nostalgic. It's kind of like I get retroactive deja vu or something. Is that weird for someone born in the eighties? I often wonder if anyone else experiences the same thing. It could be an aspect of prior life experiences sticking to you soul after reincarnation or just plain old wishful thinking. I mean, how awesome would it have been to attend Woodstock circa 1969? Lucky bastards! This blog thing is kind of cool and I am really going to try to update it regularly. I am a lazy flake much of the time so it will be amusing to see how it actually pans out. Help me keep this going by posting your comments!